DR?

In March of 2012 I went on my first trip to Haiti after P. was born. It was a very amazing and interesting trip due to the fact that we had some civil unrest while we were there and I was tear gassed by the UN. All in all though it was an amazing trip but as I was climbing on the plane to leave I was thinking that as the plane took off that I was going to feel relief that I had done what I needed to do in Haiti and be very excited to be home with my kids. As we took off and I was looking down on the country I had this overwhelming feeling "God talking to me" that I was supposed to go back to Haiti on the fall trip. Totally not what I was expecting. Sure enough I was on the fall trip in Oct to Haiti and had a great trip that time as well. I climbed on the plane and was anticipating that feeling or "God talking to me" to go back on the spring trip again and that this was going to be my normal thing from now on. I was completely confused when it didn't happen. Instead I had this overwhelming feeling for the Dominican Republic "the other side of the island" I always had an interested but felt my heart was invested in Haiti. I was stumped as to what I was supposed to do in the DR as the non profit that my parents run had not been established there. I thought maybe a family vacation there was what I was supposed to be doing and came home and started pushing for that only to be 100% shot down. Then out of pretty much no where I was asked to possibly go on a trip with the youth pastor from our church to the DR. It was all very up in the air but literally with only a weeks notice I was in the DR about a month after I had returned from Haiti. I totally fell in love all over again with the "other side" of the island. This time as I was flying into the DR and looking down on the country I had this overwhelming feeling or "God talking to me" telling me that I was supposed to move there. I found myself arguing that I would do it when the boys were grown and I was old.... and also what would I do there? As the week went on I was shown again and again that there is a huge need in the children in that country. For the orphaned and abandoned children. I saw that the years I have spent in childcare and preschool teaching could finally be such an asset in that situation. My insecurities in not having a "real world" job wouldn't matter and the desires and dreams that I have had since I was young to adopt and live in a foreign country could actually happen. I kept questioning how much of a difference could I really make and was continually reminded of the starfish story where a boy is on a beach full of stranded starfish and he is throwing them back into the water and an adult comes and is asking him what difference he will really make and he throws a starfish in the water and says that he made a difference in that one starfishes life. I could move down there and bring only one child into my life but hopefully I could make a difference in that one childs life. I have no idea where I am supposed to go from here to make this happen but I have full confidence that if it really is meant to be that it will happen. My heart is open and ready for whatever the next step is!

I got on the plane!!!!

I honestly have no idea how I made the trip... it was all of my worst nightmares all wrapped together! Start off with a very early morning and a vary small plane to NY. Nervous but accomplished that. Made it to my connecting flight and was ready to board the plane. They start boarding the plane and it was a complete mess. The flight attendants were so mad by the time I even made it on the plane. Most of the people were Dominican and just sitting where ever on the plane and the other half of the people were trying to sit in their assigned seats! Mine was taken by someone who had traded seats with someone else who had already sat in my seat! LOL Anyways I finally get a seat and they close the door to the plane. Then the poor child behind me starts screaming and kicking the back of my seat.... for an hour!!! We sat there as they had found something wrong with the plane.. another one of my worst nightmares. I really thought I would never be able to get on a plane that had had mechanical problems. Finally after over an hour they let us get off the plane as they are waiting on a part. They gave us vouchers to get food and it just so happens that you have to walk all the way to the other end of the airport to pick up said voucher. Mind you I didn't check my bag so I have my large camera bag and a duffle that is packed with stuff.. I got my meal voucher and then went and stood in line for some food. The girl behind me was talking and I glanced back and noticed that she was rubbing her wrist and that she had a tattoo on it. It hit me that I had the same tattoo. I showed her and we both sorta freaked out. It was my infinity symbol with a heart reminding me of infinite love... My first little reminder that God is always watching out for me and loving me. So after about another hour of waiting we were able to board the plane again.. then the poor child behind me completely melted down and all the other people on the plane started yelling at her and the poor kid. It only helped work him up more! So the plane is finally loaded again and the door is closed only to be delayed again as they had to take bags off... ugg!!! Through this whole process I was so calm. I have no idea what came over me and there must have been about a million people praying for me but I had no issues. Normally I shake even just climbing on a plane and feel sick to my stomach. I felt fine! No shaking.. no nothing! The plane finally takes off and I have one of the bumpiest rides I have ever taken.. when we landed in the DR the whole plane cheered! The whole traveling experience showed me how far I have come and how much stronger I am then I think that I am and that if I rely on God I can do anything!

Can I get on that airplane?

I HATE flying... I can remember being little an on a plane for the first time and hating the feeling. So I do travel but it is with great force to make myself get on the plane. I try and not let it stop me but I do have to confess to counting the hours it would take to fly somewhere.... So I said I would go on this trip and explore the possibility of starting a sponsorship program in the Dominican. The fast forward to this week.. one of the worst in my history. Everything went wrong and every insecurity I have came up out of no where. I would feel like I had just gotten one under control and out of no where another one would pop up. I really was considering not going on the trip. I felt like every time I turned around something was wrong. I realized though that if I didn't go I would really regret it and as much as it felt like the wrong timing I couldn't let me insecurities get the best of me. In my mind this morning I was saying I was going but really having very big doubts. I took a quiet walk down to the garden and spent some time weeding and praying and just trying to get a sense of what God wanted me to do. I finished weeding and went to look up the daily devotional that I do online on my phone and I opened it up and the verse for the day was " because a great door for effective work has opened to me, and there are many who oppose me." I literally started laughing out loud.. ok I get it... I need to go. So it is going to take every ounce of my will power to get on that plane tomorrow and leave my kids behind but I need to do it. That whole thing boosted my spirits and I came home with a much better attitude. I walk on the door and I got a text from my friend saying that they think she is having contractions and could I come over. I ended up spending the rest of the morning with a great person who had become an amazing friend and laughing, talking, photographing, and encouraging through contractions. They quickly welcomed a new baby into the family and it just was the icing on the cake to a great day and making my day a very positive one! I don't think I could have been happier to be included in such an amazing time! So now tomorrow is plane time..........

"I did nothing today"

Why dont moms give themselves credit. I know I struggle to do it and I hear all to often "I didnt get a thing done today." when in realtiy you kept the house up and running and the kids safe and warm. That in my book IS doing something but even I dont give myself credit for it. Just today I was thinking of my long list of things I wanted to get done and then thought to myself how I hadnt gotten anything done at all. When in reality when I actually stopped and thought through it I had done something. I had to mentally go through my day and reaize that I hadnt been sitting around that I had... 1. Fed and dressed two kids 2. watched a 3rd baby 3. gone grocery shopping with 3 kids 4. done two loads of laundry 5. made guest bed 6. planted my herbs 7. gone and picked up missing seeds I needed to complete garden 8. done a load of dishes 9. kept 3 children safe and happy .... do some of those seem like a stretch, sure, but they are things that I did accomplish not matter how miniscule. I shouldnt focus on the fact that the laundry still needs to be folded or the fact that there are still dishes to be done and make that make me feel like I have done nothing. As a mom there will be a never ending list of things we have to get done and we will never quite accomplish it all. We have to focus on what we have done!

Who am I?

In the midst of my relationship falling apart and all the people who are telling me different things the one that has stuck with me the most is to figure out who I am. After years of emotional damage and someone bringing up insecurity after insecurity and making me feel like I'm crazy for feeling things. I have invested so much time in trying to make something work that I forgot who I am. So my goal is to figure out what I have lost of myself and what I never knew about myself. I also have felt so guilty about "family time" and trying to get things back to being right that I wasn't really taking time for the things I loved. So... 1. I love dancing... and not like booty shaking dancing (though I dont mind that in the right setting) but I had forgotten how happy dance makes me and how lost I can get in the music! After the first night of salsa dancing I walked away happier then I had been in a long time! Its loud music and a great vibe plus healthy exercises and I cant beat it. I usually get less sleep then usual the one night I go dancing but I am more energized the next day then I have been all week. 2. I love cultures and learning about the way different cultures work. I have been to Haiti many times and am planning my second trip to the DR. One of my best friends is from Austria. Other places fascinate me. I ran into a woman from Britain in the park last week and we had a great conversations about the differences in our cultures. 3. I want to be an artsy person. I dont give myself credit for the little bits of "art" that I do because I am not good at them and my skills are all very basic. 4. I want a tattoo of starry night on my shoulder. I was always afraid of making that commitment and what it would say of me and what people would think... but I have realized that I love it and it doesn't really matter what other people think. If I'm going to be happy with it then that's what matters. 5. I actually do have good ideas and dont need to worry about it. 6. I can fail miserably and wake up the next day and not let my failure get me down but move on and be better. 7. I can be horribly impatient.... but so patient at other times. I have yet to figure out what determines that though. 8. I am indecisive but its not usually because I dont know what I want but because I am trying to make other people happy... I know there is more to come but I am a work in progress!

How to break free?

I feel like I am on the crazy roller coaster cycle. I am doing good, confident, and managing to not only keep it together but also acomplish things. Then out of no where I feel like I not only ran into a brick wall but that I am also trying to climb over it and maybe even hitting my head on it a few times as well... Anyways, i am sick of this cycle but I dont know how to break free or to not care. Words hurt and actions are telling of the hearts true intentions. I want to have my act together all the time and I want to manage it all and not have these breakdowns. I hate the weak feeling it leaves me with. Am I supposed to learn something from being weak? I want to be positive and uplifting and encouraging and I feel like I fail at that most of the time. Is it a matter of the mind or the heart or both???? How do I change this cycle???

Mini Epiphany

I have been told recently that I am uptight, rigid, and can't relax. While I dont agree 100% I couldnt disagree with it either as it was all being spoken to me as being a negative. After mulling it over and processing it I came to the "mini epiphany" as I call it that with my birth order of being the oldest on my family. I grew up feeling like the helper and even started working babysitting families pretty regularly at the age of 14. Then fast forward and in the relationship that I am in I had become the "Mom" I couldnt depend on the words that were being said to me to be true. I couldnt count on help even if it was promised. I would talk openly about my feelings and they would either get shot down or discredited. I felt like I had no support in my relationship. Then all the bad really starts to come out and the mean words. I am a person who tries to think and choose my words very carefully. I have been hurt many times by words. They are such a powerful tool and I try to choose them wisely. So all the stops come out and I get "uptight" and "controller" thrown in my face and it stings just a bit. I am driving today and thinking of the way I react to things and then BAM! It hits me. If I were in a different relationship where I could count on what was being told to me was actually going to happen or if I actually felt like I was getting some help I think I could become the relaxed person that I really am and want to be. How can I relax when when I do nothing gets done and everything I have worked so hard to accomplish or clean or organize gets ruined because I cant count on my partner to see it through. I hope that once this is all worked out I can really relax... or maybe as I Mom its not meant to be. Either way I am growing and trying to become ok with who I am and either embrace the criticisms or change it.