DR?

In March of 2012 I went on my first trip to Haiti after P. was born. It was a very amazing and interesting trip due to the fact that we had some civil unrest while we were there and I was tear gassed by the UN. All in all though it was an amazing trip but as I was climbing on the plane to leave I was thinking that as the plane took off that I was going to feel relief that I had done what I needed to do in Haiti and be very excited to be home with my kids. As we took off and I was looking down on the country I had this overwhelming feeling "God talking to me" that I was supposed to go back to Haiti on the fall trip. Totally not what I was expecting. Sure enough I was on the fall trip in Oct to Haiti and had a great trip that time as well. I climbed on the plane and was anticipating that feeling or "God talking to me" to go back on the spring trip again and that this was going to be my normal thing from now on. I was completely confused when it didn't happen. Instead I had this overwhelming feeling for the Dominican Republic "the other side of the island" I always had an interested but felt my heart was invested in Haiti. I was stumped as to what I was supposed to do in the DR as the non profit that my parents run had not been established there. I thought maybe a family vacation there was what I was supposed to be doing and came home and started pushing for that only to be 100% shot down. Then out of pretty much no where I was asked to possibly go on a trip with the youth pastor from our church to the DR. It was all very up in the air but literally with only a weeks notice I was in the DR about a month after I had returned from Haiti. I totally fell in love all over again with the "other side" of the island. This time as I was flying into the DR and looking down on the country I had this overwhelming feeling or "God talking to me" telling me that I was supposed to move there. I found myself arguing that I would do it when the boys were grown and I was old.... and also what would I do there? As the week went on I was shown again and again that there is a huge need in the children in that country. For the orphaned and abandoned children. I saw that the years I have spent in childcare and preschool teaching could finally be such an asset in that situation. My insecurities in not having a "real world" job wouldn't matter and the desires and dreams that I have had since I was young to adopt and live in a foreign country could actually happen. I kept questioning how much of a difference could I really make and was continually reminded of the starfish story where a boy is on a beach full of stranded starfish and he is throwing them back into the water and an adult comes and is asking him what difference he will really make and he throws a starfish in the water and says that he made a difference in that one starfishes life. I could move down there and bring only one child into my life but hopefully I could make a difference in that one childs life. I have no idea where I am supposed to go from here to make this happen but I have full confidence that if it really is meant to be that it will happen. My heart is open and ready for whatever the next step is!

I got on the plane!!!!

I honestly have no idea how I made the trip... it was all of my worst nightmares all wrapped together! Start off with a very early morning and a vary small plane to NY. Nervous but accomplished that. Made it to my connecting flight and was ready to board the plane. They start boarding the plane and it was a complete mess. The flight attendants were so mad by the time I even made it on the plane. Most of the people were Dominican and just sitting where ever on the plane and the other half of the people were trying to sit in their assigned seats! Mine was taken by someone who had traded seats with someone else who had already sat in my seat! LOL Anyways I finally get a seat and they close the door to the plane. Then the poor child behind me starts screaming and kicking the back of my seat.... for an hour!!! We sat there as they had found something wrong with the plane.. another one of my worst nightmares. I really thought I would never be able to get on a plane that had had mechanical problems. Finally after over an hour they let us get off the plane as they are waiting on a part. They gave us vouchers to get food and it just so happens that you have to walk all the way to the other end of the airport to pick up said voucher. Mind you I didn't check my bag so I have my large camera bag and a duffle that is packed with stuff.. I got my meal voucher and then went and stood in line for some food. The girl behind me was talking and I glanced back and noticed that she was rubbing her wrist and that she had a tattoo on it. It hit me that I had the same tattoo. I showed her and we both sorta freaked out. It was my infinity symbol with a heart reminding me of infinite love... My first little reminder that God is always watching out for me and loving me. So after about another hour of waiting we were able to board the plane again.. then the poor child behind me completely melted down and all the other people on the plane started yelling at her and the poor kid. It only helped work him up more! So the plane is finally loaded again and the door is closed only to be delayed again as they had to take bags off... ugg!!! Through this whole process I was so calm. I have no idea what came over me and there must have been about a million people praying for me but I had no issues. Normally I shake even just climbing on a plane and feel sick to my stomach. I felt fine! No shaking.. no nothing! The plane finally takes off and I have one of the bumpiest rides I have ever taken.. when we landed in the DR the whole plane cheered! The whole traveling experience showed me how far I have come and how much stronger I am then I think that I am and that if I rely on God I can do anything!

Can I get on that airplane?

I HATE flying... I can remember being little an on a plane for the first time and hating the feeling. So I do travel but it is with great force to make myself get on the plane. I try and not let it stop me but I do have to confess to counting the hours it would take to fly somewhere.... So I said I would go on this trip and explore the possibility of starting a sponsorship program in the Dominican. The fast forward to this week.. one of the worst in my history. Everything went wrong and every insecurity I have came up out of no where. I would feel like I had just gotten one under control and out of no where another one would pop up. I really was considering not going on the trip. I felt like every time I turned around something was wrong. I realized though that if I didn't go I would really regret it and as much as it felt like the wrong timing I couldn't let me insecurities get the best of me. In my mind this morning I was saying I was going but really having very big doubts. I took a quiet walk down to the garden and spent some time weeding and praying and just trying to get a sense of what God wanted me to do. I finished weeding and went to look up the daily devotional that I do online on my phone and I opened it up and the verse for the day was " because a great door for effective work has opened to me, and there are many who oppose me." I literally started laughing out loud.. ok I get it... I need to go. So it is going to take every ounce of my will power to get on that plane tomorrow and leave my kids behind but I need to do it. That whole thing boosted my spirits and I came home with a much better attitude. I walk on the door and I got a text from my friend saying that they think she is having contractions and could I come over. I ended up spending the rest of the morning with a great person who had become an amazing friend and laughing, talking, photographing, and encouraging through contractions. They quickly welcomed a new baby into the family and it just was the icing on the cake to a great day and making my day a very positive one! I don't think I could have been happier to be included in such an amazing time! So now tomorrow is plane time..........

"I did nothing today"

Why dont moms give themselves credit. I know I struggle to do it and I hear all to often "I didnt get a thing done today." when in realtiy you kept the house up and running and the kids safe and warm. That in my book IS doing something but even I dont give myself credit for it. Just today I was thinking of my long list of things I wanted to get done and then thought to myself how I hadnt gotten anything done at all. When in reality when I actually stopped and thought through it I had done something. I had to mentally go through my day and reaize that I hadnt been sitting around that I had... 1. Fed and dressed two kids 2. watched a 3rd baby 3. gone grocery shopping with 3 kids 4. done two loads of laundry 5. made guest bed 6. planted my herbs 7. gone and picked up missing seeds I needed to complete garden 8. done a load of dishes 9. kept 3 children safe and happy .... do some of those seem like a stretch, sure, but they are things that I did accomplish not matter how miniscule. I shouldnt focus on the fact that the laundry still needs to be folded or the fact that there are still dishes to be done and make that make me feel like I have done nothing. As a mom there will be a never ending list of things we have to get done and we will never quite accomplish it all. We have to focus on what we have done!

Who am I?

In the midst of my relationship falling apart and all the people who are telling me different things the one that has stuck with me the most is to figure out who I am. After years of emotional damage and someone bringing up insecurity after insecurity and making me feel like I'm crazy for feeling things. I have invested so much time in trying to make something work that I forgot who I am. So my goal is to figure out what I have lost of myself and what I never knew about myself. I also have felt so guilty about "family time" and trying to get things back to being right that I wasn't really taking time for the things I loved. So... 1. I love dancing... and not like booty shaking dancing (though I dont mind that in the right setting) but I had forgotten how happy dance makes me and how lost I can get in the music! After the first night of salsa dancing I walked away happier then I had been in a long time! Its loud music and a great vibe plus healthy exercises and I cant beat it. I usually get less sleep then usual the one night I go dancing but I am more energized the next day then I have been all week. 2. I love cultures and learning about the way different cultures work. I have been to Haiti many times and am planning my second trip to the DR. One of my best friends is from Austria. Other places fascinate me. I ran into a woman from Britain in the park last week and we had a great conversations about the differences in our cultures. 3. I want to be an artsy person. I dont give myself credit for the little bits of "art" that I do because I am not good at them and my skills are all very basic. 4. I want a tattoo of starry night on my shoulder. I was always afraid of making that commitment and what it would say of me and what people would think... but I have realized that I love it and it doesn't really matter what other people think. If I'm going to be happy with it then that's what matters. 5. I actually do have good ideas and dont need to worry about it. 6. I can fail miserably and wake up the next day and not let my failure get me down but move on and be better. 7. I can be horribly impatient.... but so patient at other times. I have yet to figure out what determines that though. 8. I am indecisive but its not usually because I dont know what I want but because I am trying to make other people happy... I know there is more to come but I am a work in progress!

How to break free?

I feel like I am on the crazy roller coaster cycle. I am doing good, confident, and managing to not only keep it together but also acomplish things. Then out of no where I feel like I not only ran into a brick wall but that I am also trying to climb over it and maybe even hitting my head on it a few times as well... Anyways, i am sick of this cycle but I dont know how to break free or to not care. Words hurt and actions are telling of the hearts true intentions. I want to have my act together all the time and I want to manage it all and not have these breakdowns. I hate the weak feeling it leaves me with. Am I supposed to learn something from being weak? I want to be positive and uplifting and encouraging and I feel like I fail at that most of the time. Is it a matter of the mind or the heart or both???? How do I change this cycle???

Mini Epiphany

I have been told recently that I am uptight, rigid, and can't relax. While I dont agree 100% I couldnt disagree with it either as it was all being spoken to me as being a negative. After mulling it over and processing it I came to the "mini epiphany" as I call it that with my birth order of being the oldest on my family. I grew up feeling like the helper and even started working babysitting families pretty regularly at the age of 14. Then fast forward and in the relationship that I am in I had become the "Mom" I couldnt depend on the words that were being said to me to be true. I couldnt count on help even if it was promised. I would talk openly about my feelings and they would either get shot down or discredited. I felt like I had no support in my relationship. Then all the bad really starts to come out and the mean words. I am a person who tries to think and choose my words very carefully. I have been hurt many times by words. They are such a powerful tool and I try to choose them wisely. So all the stops come out and I get "uptight" and "controller" thrown in my face and it stings just a bit. I am driving today and thinking of the way I react to things and then BAM! It hits me. If I were in a different relationship where I could count on what was being told to me was actually going to happen or if I actually felt like I was getting some help I think I could become the relaxed person that I really am and want to be. How can I relax when when I do nothing gets done and everything I have worked so hard to accomplish or clean or organize gets ruined because I cant count on my partner to see it through. I hope that once this is all worked out I can really relax... or maybe as I Mom its not meant to be. Either way I am growing and trying to become ok with who I am and either embrace the criticisms or change it.

Photography Competition

Lets face it. There are a lot of photographers out there.. I understand that some are very annoying and really shouldn't have the title photographer. But on another note why have many of the photographers I have chatted with or met so unwilling to encourage or mentor? I am part of a group on Facebook and I can hardly stand to go and read any of the post and I am 100% intimidated to ask any questions. You see they either dont like what you charge or your buisness model or your style. But they cant be nice about no they have to drag you down and tell you how much you bring down their profession. I think the beauty of photography of that there are many different styles and different people are drawn to different styles. I am a firm believer that is one reason why there can be so many different photographers out there. My style could be the complete opposit of someone elses and I am going to attract the people that are drawn towards my style. I just wish that everyone could play nice and let this be an encouraging community. I cannot tell you how my confidence has suffered from people who dont appreciate my style but take it a step farther to say that my style is "wrong". I am trying to let go of the words that have been said to me and be true to my style and let the happy, repeat customers show me that I can do this and that I am making people happy with my style!

Giving up

Sometimes it takes giving up to really realize how bad things are and how much you need help. I always thought giving up was a bad thing and askign for help was wrong. But I have come to find how much stronger its made me. I have a hard time letting go and once I did it freed me so much I was amazed at how different I felt. All the anxiety and fear I had went away and I was completely amazed at the energy I had. I used to wonder what was wrong with me and really wondered if something was seriously wrong with me as I felt like I had no motivation or energy. Once I let go and basically gave up I have had so much energy and been able to cope so much better its been amazing. Living in negativity is hard especially when it creeps up on you and you dont realize the impact it has on your life. Once you are free of it the results are amazing. I dont feel like I am faking it anymore and I am finally happy. Though I get the occasional relapse of letting the negativity get the worst of me I am trying to get stronger. Trying to not let it dig in and get a root. For now I will keep one keepin on and make the best of my situation!

Vacation... not really

You know how you have those thoughts of "can it get any worse?" and then is usually does. That was my recent "supposed to be" vacation. So picture a fully loaded Honda Pilot complete with the escargo carrier on top traveling from DC to FL. We decided to drive through the night so that the kiddos (all 4 of them 5 years old and younger) could sleep while we were driving hopefully making a quieter easier ride. We pack up and try to miss the traffic rush out of DC and did a pretty good job. Had a quick dinner with lots of energy and giggles from the very excited kids. Just shy of the NC border the puking starts from the 4 year old in the car. His parents quickly dissmiss it hoping that he is car sick... but then it continues... every 15 minutes... till about 3 am when my 17 year old sister decided to join in on the fun and start puking again. After a a few hours of sleep and kids kicking me we got back on the road only to have the two continue to puke. At that point what I would describe as "world war 3" broke out in the car and after many tears and debating it was finally agreed that we would stop to avoid bringing the sickness to my 91 year old Grandma. After spending the night in Jacksonville and everyone recovering and lysoling my car about 3 times we continued on. I have to admit that getting there and surprising my grandmother was worth every disgusting minute. But then the weather wasnt the really warm Florida weather that I was craving and my Uncle who cares for my Grandmother started not feeling great. On the day I was supposed to leave My Uncle was not looking great and my Grandmother looked at me and begged me not to leave her there alone with my Uncle. After some convincing I ended up driving him to the ER and he was admitted to the ICU as his blood sugar level was over 1100! So it was decided that I would stay behind with my kids and care for my Grandmother and Uncle. After a few days he was starting to improve and he was released. I ended up picking him up from the hospital late at night and driving him all over to try and get the medication that he needed. So it was after 1 am by the time that I got to bed. So the next morning I was trying to have the boys play on the bedroom floor and I hear a crash and my Grandmother yelling for me. I ran out and couldnt find her. Finally found her on the bathroom floor with more blood that I had ever seen. She had tripped getting into her bathrobe and had falled and smashed her face into the side of the tub. So another trip to the ER and a broken nose later. I was driving home from the ER with a raccoon like grandmother and all of a sudden I see the blue flashing lights in the rear view mirror. Of course! Luckily with the raccon like crature next to me I was able to get off with just a verbal warning. I thought at this point that it was all over and that my bad luck couldnt keep going but no of course not and I ended up in the emergency room a third time with my grandmother having a horrible headache and while there everyone in the ER recognized me at this point and questioned my Grandmother if I was treating her well or not. So all in all my vacation was hardly a vacation and as I was finally climbing on the plane to come home I was fighting off the "can it get any worse" and checking the plane for signs of mechanical malfunctions as we were preparing for take off. Even when we landed I was waiting for my luggage to be lost but it made it! It seems like this trip to Florida was just out to get me and I could be negative about everything that happened but I choose to be positive and think about how horrible it could have been had I not been there to help out! It also showed me just how strong I can be!

Swing Dancing

So I have an upcoming swing dancing night and in talking about it was reminded of one fun night. I was at a local bar/ballroom for a swing dancing night. I was there with a few friends and we had had our fill of dancing and we were preparing to leave. As we were walking toward our jackets we were stopped by a short sort of square gentleman who the proceeded to ask me to dance. I thanked him and informed him that I was about to leave. His response was "well then you have to have one more dance." I agreed and walked to the dance floor as he introduced himself as "Panther"... yup no joke his name was Panther. As I go to get into dance form I realize that he is much shorter them me making dancing a bit awkward feeling. I place my hand on his shoulder and realize that his entire shirt is completely soaked through in sweat..... and then the smell hits me... Its a combination of too much cologne and sweat and the image of Ron Burgundy and the scene where they have the sex panther cologne comes rushing to my head. I put a big smile on my face and get ready for my last dance of the night. Panther starts twirling me around and whipping me all over the place which was a bit of a challenge with our height difference. I am actually having a great time as he spins me all over the place and then in one split second I come out of a spin with lots of momentum and go to take my "rock step" and our hands catch to stop my backwards motion and I feel the slippery wet hand slip right out of mine and next thing I know I am sliding across the floor on my back and through some poor guys legs. At this point I know that I have made such a fool of myself but everyone around is totally scared that I am hurt. I stand up laughing and brush myself off and go back to dancing. The poor guy is wiping his hands on his pants in an effort to remove the said sweat. As I am trying to finish up the dance I am looking at my friends who didn't come running to my rescue but are laughing so hard they have red faces and tears running down them! So we will have to see if I run into any "panthers" on Saturday night!